be brave

from the very beginning of that moment
i haven't cried


ease my mind by dripping tears?
i try but i couldn't


i was drunk
and all i had was sticking right over there
saying nothing
smiling nothing
throwing nothing
making no sound

find some comfort from somewhere or someone?
there're no such way and person for me

it has been choking.

"so i cry myself to sleep"
it's just a stupid song
it doesn't work on me




i am wondering when the days comes
somehow in what point i am going to cry out
a good actor will be my first choice i guess
they always say show must go on



= = =

Dear mom

假如我說的出口
我想告訴你
我
女兒很心疼你經歷的一切
請你原諒我在手術之後從來無法幫你換一次藥
而是讓爸爸來做
請你原諒我在你生病之後還是冷漠無情地要你學會與之和平共處接受癌症是你往後日子的一部分
在你面前我一秒鐘都不希望自己有胸部我一秒鐘都不想抬頭挺胸
請你原諒我在你化療時煮不出好吃的牛肉為你補充白血球
請你原諒我總是不輕易讓你感到粘你很迫切需要你只強調又盡力遮掩想逃離生病的你
你很棒  你很勇敢  只是我從來不輕易說出稱讚或鼓勵  
只說我不是會撒嬌的女兒   只說我很需要絕對得安靜  其實是自己不平靜


假如我說的出口
我想收回你對我說自己在外因為乳癌被歧視的經歷時對你說的看吧想想你以前有沒有也如此對待別人我應該是秀秀你給你肢體接觸比如擁抱或搭肩但我就是會凍住
我想告訴你我從來不會因為你生病或住院而嫌棄過你覺得你是累贅害我少了自己的休閒時間上班要請假　
我很願意照顧你雖然你說你才不要倒楣讓人照顧



that's it for today.
it's just another sentimental night i guess.


p.s is it because it's thanksgiving day, i don't really know.